I Am Not Quite as Free as I Thought I Was

I think that I have confused the theological idea of free will with the idea of the American Dream. 

Growing up, I believed that all things were possible and that I could do whatever I wanted.  I could rise out of poverty and become a millionaire.  I could get married have 2.5 children and a house with a picket fence.  I could feed the hungry and make the world a better place.  I could learn to play the violin and travel with orchestras.  Not that all of those things were my dreams but that, if they were, I could accomplish them.

Similarly, I believed that, for the most part, I could make whatever choices I wanted to do whatever I wanted.  But I'm learning that philosophically and practically, I am not as free as I thought I was.

I cannot decide to give my mom a hug right now.  She's in Michigan, I'm in Oregon.  I can't reach that far.

I cannot go settle my five kids down for a nap.  I don't have five kids to settle.

I cannot run a 5 minute mile no matter how determined I am to do it because I am not in good enough shape.

I cannot have a good talk about theology with my dad.  He passed away 4 years ago.

I can't do anything I want to do.  My choices are limited.  My free will has constraints on it.  My choices are constrained by geography, time, past choices, laws of physics, other people's choices.

But, despite the fact that my choices are limited, I do believe I have choices.  I am responsible for the choices that I can, do and don't make.  I hope that recognizing my limitations will make me more free to act within them.

I can close my computer when my daughter wakes up from her nap and spend intentional mother-daughter time with her.

I can choose to set aside my agenda for a few hours and help my husband prepare his school work.

I can say not to some of the demands on my time.

I can listen to good music, really loudly, and love every minute of it.